dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
