you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
