for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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