I just made out with a guy for $7.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
