how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This is my gift to your gina
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
