Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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