I can text with my tongue
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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