im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
