i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
