who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
