i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
