You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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