I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
