Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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