I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
