I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
