You can't motorboat a personality
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
