you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
