just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
