very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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