Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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