remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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