You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
