i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
