I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
