Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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