I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
