im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
