Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
my god I love twenty year old dicks
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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