wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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