Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize