her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
