Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
