My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
