dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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