Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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