so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
