We're facebook friends in real life
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
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