Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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