i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
