Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
