somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize