hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
