if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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