Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
