Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
