Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
