is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
thus making me awesome and them whores
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
