6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
