My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
