i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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