Screwed.edu
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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