By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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