The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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