you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
