matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
