I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
