I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
