So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
